Still breathing

Wow my last post was an intense mouthful. It was amazing how much better I felt just finally getting those thoughts not only "out there" but just to hear other say they are going through the same thing. It also is so nice to remember that God is on my side and wants to guide me through this process. He wants to be there for me, I just have to remember to pray and ask for His help.

Now that I've had a few days to process all of this, I have come to terms with a few things. First, Ty is attaching to me. It's not what I want it to be or hoped it would be by this point, but it's OK. In fact, for an adopted child like Tyson, it's pretty normal. I've always despised that word, but really, Tyson needs to go through the same stages other children go through, just in his own time. Our family really is only 1 year 3 months old. It's an interesting concept, that of "family age".

I just ordered three books and will be reading them over the next month. I am shocked that I didn't have this first book. It's Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child by Patty Cogen. The second one is The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis and David Cross. The last one is Potty Training Boys. I think the the potty training one will be a quick read.

As I read these books and hope to figure out some of Ty's behaviors and how I can help, I will continue to post on here. If anyone has read these books and wants to tell me if I'm wasting my time, let me know too!

Thank you so much for all the comments and email support! I really appreciate it. It's so nice to hear from those who know what I'm going through. I truly don't believe Ty has PTSD, RAD, or any other disorder. But I do believe we are going through a tough time, a critical time, in his development. As I connect with other moms who know where I'm coming from, it makes me realize that I'm NOT crazy and we WILL get through this! I believe God brings people together for good. THANK YOU, a million times, to all who are helping me through this!

Moving Mountains

Mountains. I have always loved mountains. I grew up in a rural area near the Olympic National Park, and I used to love sitting by the lake and looking at the mountains. They're huge. Have you ever hiked a mountain? There are switch backs, which means you don't hike straight up, it's a back and forth path that eases up the mountain, some parts harder than others to hike. The pictures on this post are in Northern Idaho where my husband hunts.

Today's church sermon wrapped up what I'm going through with Tyson right now, so I finally feel like I can put it into words.

The attachment process isn't a pretty picture. In public, he clings to me like a monkey, often wanting to be carried when we are in unfamiliar places. To the outside observer, it's adorable and they think, "Wow, look how attached they are!"

If they only knew what goes on behind closed doors. I hesitate to write this because I don't want people to think less of him. He is a wonderful little boy, and I love him with all my heart. But right now...things are hard.

He hits and kicks his sister. He will be mean to my dogs if I am not looking. If he doesn't get his way, he screams and yells for an infinite period of time. I've tried just letting him cry it out. I've tried "super nanny" time out method. And then there are times I just lock myself in my room to breathe and count to 10...no would be more accurate. He yells at me, "I don't like you!" but now thinks if he says, "Sorry," right after, that those words are OK. Now he is refusing meals. He wants something else, and this is especially frustrating after HE chooses his cereal, only to completely reject it. He wants to be held constantly. He will do nothing independently anymore, and this isn't exactly easy when I'm by myself.

At times, I feel like I'm living a nightmare. I can't help coach my daughter's basketball team because if I step on the court, he freaks out. I can barely type this out right now.

Is it always this bad? Not always. But do I feel like we are taking a million steps backward rather than forward? YES, a million times YES. I am all out of ideas. Yesterday morning I ordered two new books on attachment because I have exhausted every idea I have and know. There must be answers out there, right? I also ordered a book on potty training for boys because that has also regressed backward ten-fold. I'm at a loss. Me. The one who always HAD the answers before. Now, "I GOT NOTHIN'!"

But this morning the message at church was about moving mountains. I have faith, I know I do. I couldn't have made it through our adoption without my faith. Right now, Tyson is my mountain. I feel like I can't see the big picture in the midst of the day to day things we go through...struggles to get dressed, get in the car, screaming until I can't take it anymore--and that never turns out good either. I can't see the path because my steps are muddled.

Doesn't God creat His plan for good? He does. So I was reminded that I am not only fulfilling my desire, given by God, to adopt a child, I am also carrying out God's plan not only for my life, but for Tyson's life. God never said it would be easy, and right now, things look bleak. But I realized today that I am on the verge of moving a mountain, I really am. It's not easy by any stretch, but parenting Tyson is for the glory of God, not me. I am merely a part of the plan God has for Tyson's life.

When Kacie was this age, I thought I was a consistent parent. Parenting Tyson has taken consistency to a whole new level. I had no clue what consistency meant until Tyson came along, and right now, I am not sure that is enough. It almost seems like the more consistent I am, the worse things get. But I also know he is a tough little boy who likes to push boundaries.

Someday we will look back on this time and say, "Remember when..." because I know in my heart that God has a huge plan for Tyson's life. Just as I know he has a plan for Kacie's life too after saving her from a premature birth. I just have to remember that it's not my plan, my will, or my parenting. I need to look to God for guidance in all of this because it's HIS plan. I am trying to do this on my own, and I can't. So today, I will just focus on hiking part of the mountain...maybe even just a few steps. Hopefully right now is a time I have just fallen, or just need a break. But I'm going to get back up, and by the time Tyson is grown, not only will I have climbed a mountain...with God's help, I will MOVE that mountain!

If you'd join me in praying for my parenting strategies and that I would find some success with Tyson, I'd appreciate it. Thanks!

Keeping it real

My husband is off on his yearly journey to hunt the great mule dear. So he has our camera, so I have no new pictures of Ty or KC this week. I also see that it's been awhile since I blogged, and I find that the more I wait, the more I have to say...and how do you keep it all in one post? So I've decided today I'm just going to give a brief update on our family, keeping it real, and nothing overly thought provoking--although I have those topics on my mind too. Big time.

This week was parent conferences, and a big kuddos to my own kids because they are doing well. KC is becoming the student I know she is capable of being. Tyson's teach said he is a "young three" developmentally, which is fine with me...hey, she used the word "3" so even though he's almost 3 years and 5 months, we're catching up. As for me and the teacher side of things, I have some great parents and a great class this year, so all went well. There are always a few tough ones, but we get through it.

I have also been doing the single mom thing a lot, with hunting season and all. Dan was available one set of 4 days, and I thought I had died and gone to heaven. I'm tired. I'm beat down, wore out!

However, I did get away for 3 hours on Thursday, a planned event to have lunch with a newly adoptive mom. Let me just say that I am going to do that more often...to talk with someone who GETS IT! Not that my friends don't get it of course, but unless you're walking in these shoes, it's hard to identify. And then to my other friend's dismay, she had a massage appointment she couldn't get to, so I took it over for her. Darn the bad luck anyway...but really, I hope she gets well soon! So that was my break, and my mom watched the kids.

Kacie started basketball this week at the YMCA. She's a fourth grader on a 4th through 6th team, and she's holding her own right now. I'm very proud of her. This is our first year of FULL Court basketball! It's big time!

We've been having some major attachment stuff again...but I promised nothing too thought provoking, so maybe later on that.

So that's it in a nutshell...just busy busy busy! So today, I'm taking the day to do nothing that involves school work and just being with the kids. But I'm starting to realize that's more work!

Eyes and Ears and Mouth and...

Actually his nose is fine, and his ears are too.

We were at speech therapy and the therapist noticed that Tyson has tongue tie. We don't think it's impacting speech, but we'll bring it up at our next cleft appointment or next doctor's appointment. Another therapist I know says don't clip it! So we'll just wait to see what other experts say, then make a decision.

I've always noticed that Ty seems to hold things close at times when looking at things like books. I began to get worried as he cannot seem to learn his colors. He can count to 10 and is making great progress on the alphabet with very little instruction, so I know he picks things up quickly. So the school nurse checked his hearing and eye sight. I consider this just a screening to let parents know if there is cause for concern. His hearing was fine, but eyes...not too good. 20/50 in the right eye, 20/100 in the left. I have about the same eye sight in my left eye, so I know this is not good. This is also the same eye of Ty's that drifts inward once in awhile, and his eye almost looks a bit smaller too. So I made an appointment to get his eyes checked, and we'll start with an optometrist, and we'll go from there. Due to parent conferences and family conflicts, I can't get Ty in for another 3 weeks, so at that point, I'll give an update. In the meantime, I'll just keep an "eye" on him.

These are from tonight in his "Super Tyson-Man" PJs!

Another great Halloween!

You don't want the boring details, you just want to see these ADORABLE PICTURES! But if you do want the boring details, I'll write a quick version of it all below.

My beautiful bubbly boy as Thomas the Train!


My gorgeous little girl as...Darth Vader!?


Getting these two still at the same time is pure luck, but I did it!


And this was the end of the photo session...he's ready to Trick or Treat!


We began the night with about an hour of trick or treating on our road, going to the houses we always go to. Then Kacie's friend joined us and on we went to our Church for a Halloween Carnival, which was a huge success. Tyson was done at the point, but Kacie went on with her friend to do some more trick or treating in town.

All in all, another great and successful Halloween.

All in a day

My husband works a 4 days on - 4 days off schedule. When he works, it's a 12 hour day, so I am basically a single mom. And lately, on his days off he's been sick or hunting. I've been exhausted.

Well, tomorrow is a day off for him. Here is a transcript of a conversation between my husband and I tonight:

Me: So honey, what are you doing tomorrow?
Him: Take Kacie to school, go to an appointment, pick Tyson up from school, come home and clean the house, plan dinner...
Me: Oh, so you're me tomorrow, just without a work day?

Hahahahahahahahahaha!

I got a new car!

Well, it's new to me...an 08 Honda Pilot. I took the money saved by buying used and put in a DVD/Navigation/Stereo system. The kids are loving it, and it is so much quieter in the car now! Kacie sure enjoys watching movies in the car.


But Tyson still manages to fall asleep on the way home almost everyday, which makes for a long evening.


On Friday we stopped at Safeway on our way home from school/daycare, and he actually fell asleep in the cart while I was ordering food. It was so cute I had to take a picture as he was in between states of consciousness.


Going from a Honda Civic to a Pilot is a huge difference, but I'm really enjoying having more space in the car, and it feels safer on the road too. I didn't want to spend the $$, but I think I did it in a smart way and I feel good about it. It was more for the kids than me, and they love it. That's what counts!

"I mean, come on, it's only cleft..."

But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart." I Samuel 16:7


"It's just cleft."
"I mean, come on, it's only cleft..."
"It's just a surgery and it's fixed! What's the big deal?"

I hear those words once in a while. And they hurt--but not for me.

Before adopting Tyson, here's what I knew (or thought I knew) about adopting a child with cleft lip and palate:

*His face would look different, but it wouldn't bother me at all.
*The older the child, the more issues there would be with late palate closure.
*He would speak differently, which would be OK with me. I'm patient and we will work with speech therapists.
*There could be up to who knows how many surgeries.
*There could be a syndrome attached to the clefting.
*There would be issues with eating and drinking until palate closure.
*He'll need orthodontics, but what child doesn't these days?

Knowing all that, we still chose--felt called--to adopt a child with this special need.

Here's what we know now about Tyson specifically and his cleft:

*His face looks different, and everyone notices. Most don't care, but some do--especially children, and some of those kids can be judgmental and mean.
*Speech is a more like a cross-country race after race than a marathon. There are times of great strides, others of hills and valleys. And hardly anyone can understand our son, except us. It breaks my heart.
*We've been fortunate with surgeries, but it doesn't take away the pain of knowing we have many more to go still, including lip revision, gum line, possible rhinoplasty, and even jaw surgery.
*No syndrome with Tyson, but lots of adoption related behaviors that we are working out.
*After palate closure, he still leaks fluid out of his nose due to a poor lip repair in China.
*Tyson's ortho will be a lot different than typical ortho...much different when you consider he has teeth in the front of the roof of his mouth.

So "I mean, come on, it's only cleft..." Yes, it is. And maybe what bothers me is that it has become a way of life for me, and I love Tyson and would never change anything about him, but it doesn't mean it's easy. To say that our son's special need is "only cleft" is like saying "What's the big deal?" To us, it isn't a big deal.

Before adopting Tyson, what I failed to consider was how cleft lip/palate affects and will affect HIM throughout his life.

*He is the one who has to deal with the pointing, staring, and rude remarks.
*He has to endure the surgeries.
*He has to deal with liquids and foods still coming out of his nose, unlike most other kids.
*He has to learn to speak in sounds that he has just been able to clearly hear in the last 5 months.
*He wants to be understood and gets angry when he knows what he's saying, but no one else understands. This is normal for an 18 month old, but Tyson is 3 years 4 months and fully realizes what is going on.
*He will have to wear braces probably longer and more intensely than most other kids.

While I don't want the cleft lip/palate to define who Tyson is, it has played a significant role in his life. Most likely it was the reason he was abandoned. It is the reason his speech is impaired and he has to deal with the pointing and staring at this point in his life, and probably for many years. Praise the Lord this boy has such an amazing personality and spirit about him!

So if people really need to tell me, "It's only cleft," I really, really wish I had the guts to say, "Tell that to Tyson." I think he'd have a different opinion.


"For I know the plans I have for you...plans for a hope and a future. Plans to prosper you, not harm you." Jeremiah 29:11

A phrase I will never say again and Pumpkin Patch Pictures

You know how you can use a phrase and not even realize how thoughtless it is? As an example, it really gets under my skin when people use the word "retarded" as a negative. I have come to know too many people who have adopted developmentally delayed children, and something just grabs my gut and twists it when I hear that word.

That's not the word I'm talking about.

As most of you know, we are not the most high-fashioned people. We live simply, and my daughter dresses rather casually. Well, sometimes TOOOOO casually. She has "school/church" clothes and "play clothes". And usually for play clothes, we are just home romping around in the yard, or maybe out camping, so it doesn't matter what she wears.

But at times I will say, "Kacie, get dressed we are going to the store," and she will come out in the worst pants and shirt combination, complete with stains, holes, mis-matched, you name it. The other interesting thing about Kacie is her feet don't grow much. She's 9 years old, 4ft 7 inches, 76 pounds...size 2.5 shoe in kids. The good news is that her shoes last forever! The bad news is that they all convert to "play shoes" and she tries to wear them in public. UGH!

So before Tyson... and I mean long before Tyson, I'd use the phrase, "You're dressed like an orphan, go change into something nice." I didn't say it a lot, probably only a handful of times, but those words did come out of my mouth. I cringe at the thought of me saying it, but it's true.

Since our adoption, I have caught myself almost saying that phrase again, I feel the same twist in my gut that I feel when I hear "retarded". How could I have ever said such a thing? That is so insensitive, but when you don't have a face with the label, it is so easy to throw out that label. Now I have seen orphans and how they are dressed. I have no excuse for saying that phrase anymore, and I don't. It's just another one of the things that has changed about me through my adoption journey.



On a happier note, I was able to go with Tyson's preschool class to the pumpkin patch on Tuesday morning! These pictures are a bit fuzzy from my phone, but we had a good time. Tyson didn't want to wear boots--he has never liked them and has always refused to wear them. But I required it, so we changed on the bus, and when we got off the bus some cut grass covered the top of his boots and he said, "Boots dirty, shoes on mom!" But he quickly realized why those boots were so important!

Sharing what is on my heart--adoption

It has been a whirlwind month. School started Sept. 7th, and life has been chaos. I was really thinking it was time for me to step back and away from the adoption world. But God keeps laying verses and situations on my heart. I find it impossible to step away.

Last Saturday I got a phone call from a PAP who I've been in contact with, and they are adopting a little girl from Tyson's province! I am so excited I can hardly stand it. I woke up the next morning, and God kept telling me, "Pray for the fatherless..." I went to church, and at least 2 songs had the term "fatherless" or the like in them. I prayed for this family and their waiting daughter, with tears of joy and the reminder of the pain of the wait. I prayed for their strength and faith to be just rock solid in the Lord. I am so glad I can be of help and support through their adoption.

Last weekend I attended a soccer game with another adoptive mom, and it was so wonderful to talk with another mom who truly "gets it". We both have children from China who have different special needs, but they go to the same major hospital for their medical appointments and surgeries. I have found that unless you walk this path, it's hard to identify with what we've gone through.

Last night, I received a phone call from a friend I was in contact with before we traveled to China, and we met in China with our children. I realized how lucky we are to have found each other, that God knew we would need each others' support as we parent our children.

And today, I met a couple at my school who are adopting a 3 and 7 year old locally. I was able to share my research on attachment and recommend the book "Toddler Adoption". I gave them my email and told them to contact me anytime since I have learned a lot about the topic and can recommend more websites.

It is clear to me that God doesn't want me to walk away from topics of adoption. I always hoped that all my waiting and research would help others, and clearly this past week, He has shown me a purpose beyond just adopting Tyson. All children deserve a family, and even if I can't adopt another child, I can support those who do.

So until God gives me that green light to adopt again, I will continue to support those who are adopting. I pray for the children who have been adopted and continue their bonding and attachment to their new parents and who must overcome special needs. So while I wanted to back away and move on to something new, I realize now that God isn't done with me yet!

"Mama Back?" Abandonment issues?

About a month ago I went back to work--I am a teacher. I had been home most of the summer, and about mid August we started taking Tyson to his new daycare after his old one near our house closed.

During those first few weeks, he'd cry--no, scream! And the ladies would tell him, "Mama will come back." So then he started saying and crying "Mama back? Mama back?" questioning whether I would really come back. Then when I'd walk into the daycare he'd yell, "Mama Back! Mama Back!" No longer a question, but an exclamation. Almost like he doubted I'd come back.

This has continued, and it shows no evidence of stopping anytime soon. In fact, when I wake him in the morning, the first thing out his mouth is, "Mama Back?" He is already fixating on whether or not I am coming back for him. He knows I come back, and he gets really excited if daddy can pick him up from preschool because he gets to come home and spend the whole day with daddy. But usually, he is paranoid that I won't come back for him. Then to hear his excitement, almost astonishment, when I do pick him up, it breaks my heart!

Some would say, "He's been with you over a year, shouldn't he know you're his mom?" Yes, he knows I'm his mom. But he was in an orphanage for two years and was abandoned at 2 months. He has issues with abandonment. Probably in his mind, he's wondering if we are going to leave him since he has been left before. No he probably doesn't remember being abandoned, but the way the brain works, he remembers something...something was safe, and then it was taken away. And then the orphanage was safe, and it was taken away. Now we are safe, and he is so happy...and he doesn't want that taken away either.

So I continue to tell him everyday, "Yes, I will come back. Mommy or daddy will always come back. You will live in our house forever because it's Tyson's house too." It breaks my heart that he still doesn't feel fully like he's here to stay.

And so we continue the journey...

Would you ever discourage someone from adopting cl/p?

There is a thread on RQ that has me thinking...yep, here it goes.

If you read my prior post, I was afraid of adopting a child with cl/p at first. You must research the special need, and then you try to imagine how it will play out in your actual day to day life. Some things you can prepare for, some you can't. Some you learn from research on the need. Other things you learn by asking others who have been on that road before you. Here is what I knew, and here's my experience--and it has my Christian perspective:

1. Food might shoot out his nose and he might have trouble eating.
Yes, food shot out his nose--and it was not a big deal at all. He had no problem eating. Of course, you have to use common sense, but it was not a big deal.

2. The palate surgery would be brutal and require 4 weeks off of work.
Yes, it was, and yes it did. But I am a teacher and God brought the timing together and 2 of those 4 weeks were on my winter break. If you trust in God, it will work out! I didn't make the appt...the hospital did--GOD DID!

3. The Cleft Team would be 2.5 hours away, and it would require long days.
Yes, it did. Big deal. I have sick days, so that helped a lot.

4. We assumed our son would need ear tubes and would have some hearing loss.
Yes, in fact, two sets of ear tubes after the first set plugged horribly. And he has an ear infection now. This was where specific research on the special need came into play. We were prepared.

5. Our son might need speech therapy once or more a week.
Yes, he does. I think of it no differently than driving my daughter to an activity every week. It's what he does. We do private speech AND he attends developmental preschool where he gets speech therapy once a week. There is no end in sight, and that's OK. He's three! I'm not going to say I love this part, but I don't mind it anymore than I mind running K to her various activities.

6. Medical Bills. Enough said.
Here is where we are blessed with double coverage. Some say don't double cover. But the cost I pay to double cover is less than my speech therapies co-pays would be in a month, and it covers both kids. If we were not blessed with double insurance coverage, we would still be fine because the cost of the co-pays would not be that much more than what I pay to cover my children on my plan (primary), then my husbands (crappy) insurance picks up the rest (most of the time). That's why I double cover as well..dh's insurance is crap.

But, if I thought $$$ was an issue (I am a teacher, dh is a corrections officer...we aren't rolling in $$, but we live happily and modestly), I would go to the finance department of the hospital and get on a bill pay plan or try to get some help if needed. I know others say "If you can't afford a cleft child, don't adopt one!". Well, hmmmm...do we tell people to get abortions if they can't afford to take care of a child--who may or may not have a special need? NO! (or at least I hope not!). It's also an area of my Christian Faith where I believe if you tithe and give to God, God will take care of your finances. You have to be a good steward with God's money.

That's about all I can think of now since K needs help with a craft. I would want to tell people that adopting a cleft affected child is easy, but it's not. HOWEVER! God gives me my daily strength, and adopting Tyson was part of our faith in the Lord. It is so hard for me to separate the two--my beliefs and our adoption.

So if you are thinking of adopting a child with cleft lip and palate:
If you are Christian, do your research, read blogs, and pray! God will make it clear.

If you are not Christian, do your research, read blogs, and do what is right for you and your family.

Don't let anyone talk you out of it because it's so hard. If you want a child with a special need that is an easy fix or just non-correctable, than this is not the need for you. It's not minor. BUT..If you can weave it into the fabric of your family and daily living, just as we have, this is a manageable need.

Parenting a child with cleft lip/palate is not a sprint...it's a marathon. But in the end, it will be all worth it.

Here's Tyson giving T-Bone a hair cut!

Two years ago, I saw this face...

Since I had a migraine over the weekend, I missed blogging this event!

Two years ago we were on our way to get our federal fingerprints. I was teary, weary, and numb from declining a file, even though I was reassured it was "part of the process". All I could think was that this little boy might never get a family...why God? Why would you show me this boy, only to have me realize he is not my son?

But before I reviewed this file, I had been having regrets over my special needs checklist. I had checked cleft lip/palate, but after the fact hoped in my heart that I would not get a referral for that need. I didn't know how I would do it: How would I feed this child? How could he/she attend daycare? How could I get the time off work?

This little boy had a special need involving his eyes. At first it looked manageable and exactly what we thought we could handle. But after a closer look, we weren't comfortable with it at all. And it was then I realized that cleft lip and palate was something I could totally handle.

So two years ago we were on our way to get our federal fingerprints, and we stopped by our agency to just chat, and little did we know more files had been added to the shared list. We looked at a few, and then we saw this face:


And suddenly, cleft lip and palate was exactly the need for us because there was a face in front of the need. There was a soul, a little boy, who just happened to have a special need--a manageable need for our family.


And you know how that story went on...and on...and still is going on...and I'm loving every moment.

A tough time for Ty, cuteness, and China mom

In my last ramble I talked about issues that come up when you least expect it. Well, sometimes it's a physical issue.

Ty has an ear infection. He got a cough about 10 days ago, which turned into a cold about 5 days ago. On Sunday I just noticed his ears seemed a little bit gross. I cleaned them, and figured that was it. Nope...last night, yucky again, and he actually complained. Then I smelled it...GROSS! He complained more this morning, so I took an afternoon off from school to take him to a doctor to find out what I already knew--Ty has an ear infection. We got the antibiotics, and hopefully the infection will be gone soon. My biggest fear is that his hearing will be affected, so I need to be on top of this.

Yesterday was speech therapy. He got up in the morning and went to daycare, and then on to preschool, which is the routine. But after preschool, Dan has picked him up, but not yesterday. Some days Tyson will return to daycare (in the same building). I tried to prepare him the best I could and told him I would pick him up after church (he calls daycare 'church'). Well, he insisted to his teachers and daycare workers that "Mama come back! Mama come back!" Well, he was right...partially. I wasn't coming back til later. So after that tough time, plus the fact that he had an ear infection and I hadn't figured it out, I picked him up and drive him to Speech. By the time we got there, he was asleep. This happens a lot, but he generally wakes up. Not this time. NOPE! Totally out like a light. So I talked with the therapist for a few minutes, and I put him back in his seat. He woke up just enough to yell, "MY STICKER!" (of course in Tyson-speak, it sounded more like "MY ICKER!" He knows at the end of speech he gets a sticker. The kid is smart! Just like today he was asking for a "ucker" before he even was weighed at his doctor's appointment. He knows the good stuff!

So tonight he was starting to look a little better, had a bath...and I don't know what did it, but he has a big insect bite again on his face. He went outside to "help" me take the garbage out, so something must have bit him.

To top it all off...Mama has some tough times too. I get sixth grade student #30 tomorrow in my classroom.

But even with it all, I look back on where I was a year ago, and this is a CAKE WALK compared to that! Tyson is bed peacefully, and he had so many funny moments tonight he kept me laughing and smiling, like when he used Kacie's facial soap to make a bubble bath; or when he showed how tough he was helping me take out the garbage and recycling. Or when we practiced "Teddy Bear Teddy Bear" so he can take the book for show and tell tomorrow. Or when....you get the idea.

And tonight as we were going to sleep, he looked at his scrolls on his wall, and pointed and said, "China." I said, "Yes, Ty, you are from China." And with a big breath, I managed to say, "And you have a China mommy, and you have me as your mommy too." And he said, "I need a bandaid," and pointed to his finger.

I think I'd better keep bringing it up...thanks for all the advice. It's better now than later.

Check this out...she's gonna hit it big!

This is a former sixth grade student of mine, as well as the daughter of a dear friend. She has a heart for Jesus, and a few years ago she went on a mission trip to Africa where she met an orphaned girl name Blessing, and this song is about her. Listen to it, and you won't be disappointed. She was 17 when she wrote this. She has opened for Wynonna, Craig Morgan, and she's working hard to make it big. But this song shows where her heart is. You will love it!

Mixed emotions--please read APs!!!

An adoptive parent once told me that just when you get some issues taken care of, new issues will come up. Oh how true it is. I will warn you, this post is a bit all over the place, but it's late and I want to get to bed, so I'm just getting my thoughts out.

I find myself with mixed emotions. On one hand, I feel like we have come so far in the last year and we are more like a typical family now. If people ask me about my kids I tell them I have a daughter in 4th grade and a son who is 3. I can almost have conversations with moms of other 3 year olds because Tyson is almost caught up to their kids--except speech. We do things like other American families with kids those ages. We go about our days, and life is good.

But then...the issues creep back in. I show a picture of my kids and feel the need to explain, and the reason I feel that need to explain is because I feel bad for the uncertainty it causes other people. OK fine...whatever (or as Ty would say, "Bine...ut-ever!" ). Or when he speaks and doesn't speak like other kids his age, so I feel like I have to explain his cleft history. OK, so even that I can accept, and I realize it's part of the deal. Honestly, the racial differences at this point aren't as much of an issue as the cleft lip/palate. And adults always say they noticed the cleft anyway. This will be part of life.

But now Tyson is starting preschool. There are many kids in his daycare and preschool who come from bi-racial/multi-racial families, but I am still concerned that when we put our family photo up in the classroom that Ty won't look like either of his parents. So far we've been open about saying, "Ty is from China." But we haven't mentioned that he has a birth mom or birth parents there. So I looked up some info on how to best deal with this at school and what to tell the teacher to tell other students if the situation arises, and most say that the teacher should say that we are his real parents, but that he also has birth parents in China. Hmmmmm....that's a tough one since we as his parents haven't even brought this up. I don't want this brought up in school--this is my job. What we have said so far is, "Ty is from China. Mama and Baba came to China to bring Tyson to our family and live in our house forever." That I think he understands. Should I also add that he was born in a mommy's tummy in China? Is that going to confuse him?

So here it is, one of those new issues that comes up. One that you know is coming, but came sooner than I thought. I could just bury my head in the sand and not worry about it...but I love my son too much for that. So many mixed emotions...on one hand, I just want to be a normal family and to stop explaining everything. On the other hand, I don't think it's possible. When you have a child with a background like Tyson's, how can you not explain it? It has to be taken into consideration. And when issues like this arise--all because I wanted to give his teacher info and it made me think twice--it really makes me realize how much we really still have to deal with.

So now, how should I approach this new issue? Should I start to tell Ty about his birth mom, or let him figure it out? Will it confuse him more to think he has two moms? Wow...this is hard!

I leave you with pictures from this morning. Tyson loves this frog. It is made by Leap Frog, and his name is baby Tad. Dan's mom bought it for Kacie when she was a baby, so Baby Tad has certainly earned his keep! It sings Ty's favorite song--Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, or as Ty says "Winkle Winkle li-uhl sar".

First Day of School

Here is Kacie and I getting ready to leave for our first day of school together. It was so much fun seeing Kacie at school all day!


Ty's first day of preschool was an open house, and Dan took him. It looks like he's saying, "I spy with my little eye..."


So how do my kids blow off steam after their first big day of school? By Kacie setting up a "spray station" at the end of the kitchen! They took turns spraying each other with a spray bottle.


She always looks sweet and innocent...but here's the girl I know and love!


...and Tyson had a blast when it was his turn to spray his jie jie...and I think she enjoyed it just as much.

New beginnings!

It is the beginning of a new school year. Things have settled down considerably in the last few months regarding Tyson and his transition with us, and I'm looking forward to school starting. So much so that it's Saturday night and I'm searching the internet for extra lessons to go with our reading curriculum.

I spent the 07-08 school year trying to conceive and then deciding to adopt. I spent the 08-09 school year waiting for Tyson. I spent last year transitioning Tyson to his new home and family. And here I am. Family complete as far as I can see...Tyson getting better about his attachment issues...and here we are. I can feel myself becoming the teacher I used to be before all this adoption stuff. I still did a good job these last few years, but I am normally more passionate, and I mean intense, about my teaching and students. But these last few years I just haven't had the strength to be my own adoption advocate and the best teacher I can be. Remember I still had a daughter at home too, which was always my first priority until Tyson came. Now they both take turns outranking each other based on the day and situation.

So as I feel this excitement about teaching return, I feel my interest in international adoption waning. That I can handle...but what I don't want is to just become a typical person who doesn't count her blessings everyday. Since going through adoption, I have become softer hearted, more understanding, and just a better human being. God has taught me things about myself I never knew existed. I don't want to lose that. I'm not saying I was selfish and horrible before, but I lacked something...I can't put my finger on it. I know I great closer to God, and I think that could be what I'm afraid of losing too.

I guess I feel like I'm back to entering the world I once knew before adoption...only I've been through adoption now, and I'm wondering if I will view the world the same. It almost feels like time travel...I feel like I left and came back from something, only now I'm different and I don't want to lose the part of me that I gained over the last few years. I see the world differently now. International adoption will always be part of my life, but not in the way that it has consumed me the last 2.5 years.

After I had Kacie, I knew my life would never be the same. She was my first born child. Everyone knows that motherhood is going to change your life. When people have a second child, they know more what to expect...but that wasn't the case for me. So I joined adoption groups, boards, found blogs, anything that would help my Type A personality process all of what I was going through. Now I really feel like I've made it through, and the school year marks a new chapter, a new beginning for me.

Like I told Dan the other night, I'm always working toward something. I can't even look back on my life and find a time where I didn't have a goal or something I was working toward, whether it was graduating from college, getting married, finding my first job, buying a house, getting my Master's Degree, having Kacie, buying another house and moving, new jobs, National Board Certification, facilitating National Board Certification, and then of course...adopting Tyson and his palate surgery and all that goes with adoption in that first year.

So now what do I do? I'm moving forward. Into what capacity, I have no idea. For now, I'm just going to be the best wife and mom that I can be, and be the teacher that my students need me to be for them this year. But I know me too well...I'll figure out something!

Ty starts preschool Tuesday, and Kacie starts (gulp!) 4th grade. And I start a school year where I am so excited and blessed to have a job and work where I do.

So here's to new beginnings!

Haircuts!

Next Tuesday the kids start school, so off we went for back-to-school haircuts.

Di Di getting his grown out clipper cut shaped up and ready for preschool next week.


Jie Jie just wanted a trim. She wants her long locks back!
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And the bribery for being good for his haircut: ICE CREAM!

"Mama back!"

A new school year = new routines and transitions.

And those of you who follow my blog know that Tyson does not do well with either of these.

He has enjoyed his Mama time. He even calls me "Mommy" on occasion. But today is my first official day back to school, and I've been preparing my classroom because tonight is open house.

Tyson will be in a 3 year old preschool class through our school district. Our 3 year old program is for children with developmental disabilities and ECEAP (low-income) families. Last year Tyson had three developmental qualifying areas: gross motor, speech, and self-help. He now has one: speech. He will receive speech services once a week, but the preschool is the gem for us because he picks up so many new words outside our home as he has to communicate with others. I even notice him speaking more clearly because he wants to be understood. I hope to meet his preschool teacher soon. Dan will take him to preschool the first day (next Tuesday) and from there, he will go Monday through Thursday every morning.

The biggest transition though is the new daycare. Our old daycare closed, but I was fortunate to be able to get him in a daycare that is actually housed in his school building. This means no bus rides! Yay for me for one less schedule...boo for Ty--he loves the bus. He says now, "Preschool, no bus." He has been to daycare 5 times now, and when I drop him off he cries. It's awful, but the ladies are great. They assure him I will be back.

So yesterday when I got there to get him, he saw me, and his face lit up--eyes wide, big smile-- and he yelled "Mommy!" "Mama back! Mama back!" I get tears in my eyes just writing this. Does he think he's in a new orphanage when I leave him? This new daycare is a Christian daycare, and because it's in the city (as city as you can call our town!), there are more kids and more workers, and all the workers are women in skirts and dresses. They are gems and have really taken a liking to him (I think?!). But all in all, it's chaos compared to his old daycare. Much busier for sure. Tyson calls it "church" because they play kids christian songs and have a chapel time, and pray before snack and meals. That I just love! It also has more diversity on all accounts. That I love. Tyson doesn't stand out as being different, he's just one of the kids.

When I got there and picked him up--all 37 pounds of him--he would not let me let him go. He just hugged me and said "Mama Back!" and then "Bye Church!" to everyone who worked there. But I heard "Mama Back!" at least 20 times. I think he clearly understands what this means, and I have assured him that either daddy or I will always come back for him.

Tuesday will be his preschool open house, then we are in full swing next Wednesday. I will take him to daycare every morning, and from there his preschool teacher will come and pick him up for preschool. That couldn't have worked out better. I will post an update on how he is doing. In the meantime, please pray for his transition. Thanks!


Singing with watermelon. What could be more fun?