What a decision to make...

The decision to adopt again...it's not an easy one.

We have many reasons not to. We have a small house, so it will be more crowded--but that is by American standards. One child will have to share a room, most likely Tyson. Then there's the cost, which we certainly do not have at this time but are exploring ways to make it work. Our dreams of remodeling our house will go way down on the priority list.

Now consider this. Orphans. Children who don't have a home. One child could have a family that he/she may not otherwise have. We have great medical insurance, and we are surprisingly open to needs we weren't before. Maybe a special focus child? A boy most likely, around age 3. So many who need homes, and we could provide it. But most importantly, God calls us to do this, and we answered this call--once.

This is not an easy decision. One child, who has his world changed. Wouldn't that be amazing? It suddenly makes the reasons not to obsolete--to me anyway. There are nay-sayers when I tell them we are looking into it again. They say, "What? Are you crazy?" Hmmmmm...do people say that when someone gets pregnant for the third time? Not usually.

We won't be ready to even consider it until May-July, but for now, I am researching special needs and agencies. We loved our agency before, but I want to cut costs and assemble the dossier myself, which would be much easier to do over the summer when we don't have daycare bills for a month. We may come to that time and say, "No, this is not what God has for us." We still have to consider Tyson's surgery schedule and our work scheudles, but if it is to be, God will make it happen. In fact, God may make it abundantly obvious that this is our path. Perhaps I will see our child's face and just know that it's right.

So for now, we pray that when the time comes, the decision is clear and obvious. The special need will be obvious, and the finances will be there. Until then, we enjoy our two little gifts from God and make the most of what we have.

Life is good, God is amazing, and with God, all things are possible.

First Snow and Basketball

It's not only the first snow of the season, but it's Ty's first snow experience! We had such a mild winter last year that we did not get snow. KC taught him how to throw snowballs, and after that, it was on!






Here's my girl! She's a 4th grader on a 4th-6th grade team. I'm proud of her for just keeping up!





This is how Tyson watches basketball this year...he doesn't. Last year I would be sweating by half time chasing him on to the court. This year, he sits on me and clings like a monkey. Part of the reason is that he really hates the buzzer.

Still breathing

Wow my last post was an intense mouthful. It was amazing how much better I felt just finally getting those thoughts not only "out there" but just to hear other say they are going through the same thing. It also is so nice to remember that God is on my side and wants to guide me through this process. He wants to be there for me, I just have to remember to pray and ask for His help.

Now that I've had a few days to process all of this, I have come to terms with a few things. First, Ty is attaching to me. It's not what I want it to be or hoped it would be by this point, but it's OK. In fact, for an adopted child like Tyson, it's pretty normal. I've always despised that word, but really, Tyson needs to go through the same stages other children go through, just in his own time. Our family really is only 1 year 3 months old. It's an interesting concept, that of "family age".

I just ordered three books and will be reading them over the next month. I am shocked that I didn't have this first book. It's Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child by Patty Cogen. The second one is The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis and David Cross. The last one is Potty Training Boys. I think the the potty training one will be a quick read.

As I read these books and hope to figure out some of Ty's behaviors and how I can help, I will continue to post on here. If anyone has read these books and wants to tell me if I'm wasting my time, let me know too!

Thank you so much for all the comments and email support! I really appreciate it. It's so nice to hear from those who know what I'm going through. I truly don't believe Ty has PTSD, RAD, or any other disorder. But I do believe we are going through a tough time, a critical time, in his development. As I connect with other moms who know where I'm coming from, it makes me realize that I'm NOT crazy and we WILL get through this! I believe God brings people together for good. THANK YOU, a million times, to all who are helping me through this!

Moving Mountains

Mountains. I have always loved mountains. I grew up in a rural area near the Olympic National Park, and I used to love sitting by the lake and looking at the mountains. They're huge. Have you ever hiked a mountain? There are switch backs, which means you don't hike straight up, it's a back and forth path that eases up the mountain, some parts harder than others to hike. The pictures on this post are in Northern Idaho where my husband hunts.

Today's church sermon wrapped up what I'm going through with Tyson right now, so I finally feel like I can put it into words.

The attachment process isn't a pretty picture. In public, he clings to me like a monkey, often wanting to be carried when we are in unfamiliar places. To the outside observer, it's adorable and they think, "Wow, look how attached they are!"

If they only knew what goes on behind closed doors. I hesitate to write this because I don't want people to think less of him. He is a wonderful little boy, and I love him with all my heart. But right now...things are hard.

He hits and kicks his sister. He will be mean to my dogs if I am not looking. If he doesn't get his way, he screams and yells for an infinite period of time. I've tried just letting him cry it out. I've tried "super nanny" time out method. And then there are times I just lock myself in my room to breathe and count to 10...no would be more accurate. He yells at me, "I don't like you!" but now thinks if he says, "Sorry," right after, that those words are OK. Now he is refusing meals. He wants something else, and this is especially frustrating after HE chooses his cereal, only to completely reject it. He wants to be held constantly. He will do nothing independently anymore, and this isn't exactly easy when I'm by myself.

At times, I feel like I'm living a nightmare. I can't help coach my daughter's basketball team because if I step on the court, he freaks out. I can barely type this out right now.

Is it always this bad? Not always. But do I feel like we are taking a million steps backward rather than forward? YES, a million times YES. I am all out of ideas. Yesterday morning I ordered two new books on attachment because I have exhausted every idea I have and know. There must be answers out there, right? I also ordered a book on potty training for boys because that has also regressed backward ten-fold. I'm at a loss. Me. The one who always HAD the answers before. Now, "I GOT NOTHIN'!"

But this morning the message at church was about moving mountains. I have faith, I know I do. I couldn't have made it through our adoption without my faith. Right now, Tyson is my mountain. I feel like I can't see the big picture in the midst of the day to day things we go through...struggles to get dressed, get in the car, screaming until I can't take it anymore--and that never turns out good either. I can't see the path because my steps are muddled.

Doesn't God creat His plan for good? He does. So I was reminded that I am not only fulfilling my desire, given by God, to adopt a child, I am also carrying out God's plan not only for my life, but for Tyson's life. God never said it would be easy, and right now, things look bleak. But I realized today that I am on the verge of moving a mountain, I really am. It's not easy by any stretch, but parenting Tyson is for the glory of God, not me. I am merely a part of the plan God has for Tyson's life.

When Kacie was this age, I thought I was a consistent parent. Parenting Tyson has taken consistency to a whole new level. I had no clue what consistency meant until Tyson came along, and right now, I am not sure that is enough. It almost seems like the more consistent I am, the worse things get. But I also know he is a tough little boy who likes to push boundaries.

Someday we will look back on this time and say, "Remember when..." because I know in my heart that God has a huge plan for Tyson's life. Just as I know he has a plan for Kacie's life too after saving her from a premature birth. I just have to remember that it's not my plan, my will, or my parenting. I need to look to God for guidance in all of this because it's HIS plan. I am trying to do this on my own, and I can't. So today, I will just focus on hiking part of the mountain...maybe even just a few steps. Hopefully right now is a time I have just fallen, or just need a break. But I'm going to get back up, and by the time Tyson is grown, not only will I have climbed a mountain...with God's help, I will MOVE that mountain!

If you'd join me in praying for my parenting strategies and that I would find some success with Tyson, I'd appreciate it. Thanks!

Keeping it real

My husband is off on his yearly journey to hunt the great mule dear. So he has our camera, so I have no new pictures of Ty or KC this week. I also see that it's been awhile since I blogged, and I find that the more I wait, the more I have to say...and how do you keep it all in one post? So I've decided today I'm just going to give a brief update on our family, keeping it real, and nothing overly thought provoking--although I have those topics on my mind too. Big time.

This week was parent conferences, and a big kuddos to my own kids because they are doing well. KC is becoming the student I know she is capable of being. Tyson's teach said he is a "young three" developmentally, which is fine with me...hey, she used the word "3" so even though he's almost 3 years and 5 months, we're catching up. As for me and the teacher side of things, I have some great parents and a great class this year, so all went well. There are always a few tough ones, but we get through it.

I have also been doing the single mom thing a lot, with hunting season and all. Dan was available one set of 4 days, and I thought I had died and gone to heaven. I'm tired. I'm beat down, wore out!

However, I did get away for 3 hours on Thursday, a planned event to have lunch with a newly adoptive mom. Let me just say that I am going to do that more often...to talk with someone who GETS IT! Not that my friends don't get it of course, but unless you're walking in these shoes, it's hard to identify. And then to my other friend's dismay, she had a massage appointment she couldn't get to, so I took it over for her. Darn the bad luck anyway...but really, I hope she gets well soon! So that was my break, and my mom watched the kids.

Kacie started basketball this week at the YMCA. She's a fourth grader on a 4th through 6th team, and she's holding her own right now. I'm very proud of her. This is our first year of FULL Court basketball! It's big time!

We've been having some major attachment stuff again...but I promised nothing too thought provoking, so maybe later on that.

So that's it in a nutshell...just busy busy busy! So today, I'm taking the day to do nothing that involves school work and just being with the kids. But I'm starting to realize that's more work!

Eyes and Ears and Mouth and...

Actually his nose is fine, and his ears are too.

We were at speech therapy and the therapist noticed that Tyson has tongue tie. We don't think it's impacting speech, but we'll bring it up at our next cleft appointment or next doctor's appointment. Another therapist I know says don't clip it! So we'll just wait to see what other experts say, then make a decision.

I've always noticed that Ty seems to hold things close at times when looking at things like books. I began to get worried as he cannot seem to learn his colors. He can count to 10 and is making great progress on the alphabet with very little instruction, so I know he picks things up quickly. So the school nurse checked his hearing and eye sight. I consider this just a screening to let parents know if there is cause for concern. His hearing was fine, but eyes...not too good. 20/50 in the right eye, 20/100 in the left. I have about the same eye sight in my left eye, so I know this is not good. This is also the same eye of Ty's that drifts inward once in awhile, and his eye almost looks a bit smaller too. So I made an appointment to get his eyes checked, and we'll start with an optometrist, and we'll go from there. Due to parent conferences and family conflicts, I can't get Ty in for another 3 weeks, so at that point, I'll give an update. In the meantime, I'll just keep an "eye" on him.

These are from tonight in his "Super Tyson-Man" PJs!