An adoptive parent once told me that just when you get some issues taken care of, new issues will come up. Oh how true it is. I will warn you, this post is a bit all over the place, but it's late and I want to get to bed, so I'm just getting my thoughts out.
I find myself with mixed emotions. On one hand, I feel like we have come so far in the last year and we are more like a typical family now. If people ask me about my kids I tell them I have a daughter in 4th grade and a son who is 3. I can almost have conversations with moms of other 3 year olds because Tyson is almost caught up to their kids--except speech. We do things like other American families with kids those ages. We go about our days, and life is good.
But then...the issues creep back in. I show a picture of my kids and feel the need to explain, and the reason I feel that need to explain is because I feel bad for the uncertainty it causes other people. OK fine...whatever (or as Ty would say, "Bine...ut-ever!" ). Or when he speaks and doesn't speak like other kids his age, so I feel like I have to explain his cleft history. OK, so even that I can accept, and I realize it's part of the deal. Honestly, the racial differences at this point aren't as much of an issue as the cleft lip/palate. And adults always say they noticed the cleft anyway. This will be part of life.
But now Tyson is starting preschool. There are many kids in his daycare and preschool who come from bi-racial/multi-racial families, but I am still concerned that when we put our family photo up in the classroom that Ty won't look like either of his parents. So far we've been open about saying, "Ty is from China." But we haven't mentioned that he has a birth mom or birth parents there. So I looked up some info on how to best deal with this at school and what to tell the teacher to tell other students if the situation arises, and most say that the teacher should say that we are his real parents, but that he also has birth parents in China. Hmmmmm....that's a tough one since we as his parents haven't even brought this up. I don't want this brought up in school--this is my job. What we have said so far is, "Ty is from China. Mama and Baba came to China to bring Tyson to our family and live in our house forever." That I think he understands. Should I also add that he was born in a mommy's tummy in China? Is that going to confuse him?
So here it is, one of those new issues that comes up. One that you know is coming, but came sooner than I thought. I could just bury my head in the sand and not worry about it...but I love my son too much for that. So many mixed emotions...on one hand, I just want to be a normal family and to stop explaining everything. On the other hand, I don't think it's possible. When you have a child with a background like Tyson's, how can you not explain it? It has to be taken into consideration. And when issues like this arise--all because I wanted to give his teacher info and it made me think twice--it really makes me realize how much we really still have to deal with.
So now, how should I approach this new issue? Should I start to tell Ty about his birth mom, or let him figure it out? Will it confuse him more to think he has two moms? Wow...this is hard!
I leave you with pictures from this morning. Tyson loves this frog. It is made by Leap Frog, and his name is baby Tad. Dan's mom bought it for Kacie when she was a baby, so Baby Tad has certainly earned his keep! It sings Ty's favorite song--Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, or as Ty says "Winkle Winkle li-uhl sar".
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The first time we ever mentioned anything to Ewen about other parents was when I made his "lifebook." You can see it here: http://jonamymurphy.blogspot.com/2010/04/ewens-lifebook.html
ReplyDeleteThe only other time we've ever mentioned it is when his buddy was with us (I watch him 2 days a week,) and he asked why he had light brown eyes and Ewen asked why he had dark brown eyes. I told his buddy he had light eyes just like his Momma. I told Ewen he had dark eyes because his first Mommy & Daddy had dark eyes. It sounded awkward to me. I didn't like how I had said it. I wanted to explain more, better, but they were on to another topic. At this age, I don't think he cares. When my friend's baby "comes out of her tummy" in the next couple weeks, I expect some questions, but maybe he won't ask them. I say, don't force the issue, just be honest with it.
No matter what, you're not going to mess this poor kid up! No matter how poor of a job you THINK you're doing.
We've been home for about nine months now and I feel like I really have to explain to other people less and less. Maybe because everyone we know already knows about her situation, our boys whole entire school followed our journey to China. As far as strangers are concerned I don't explain unless they ask and if they ask a question I answer the one question and then move on. As far as explaining birth mother and father, I don't feel like she's ready for an explanation yet. Last night in fact we were looking through pictures of me pregnant with her brother and she didn't understand that a baby was in me. So I think we'll take it slow. I made her a gotcha video that I had put on a DVD and we watch it periodically. I also made her a book that we look through together and talk about China. Don't get me wrong our little girl is smart, and has started really expressing herself, however understanding this more in depth subject will come only at a later tiime.
ReplyDeleteWell, it is tough isn't it? I'm still contemplating all of this in my head. We've had minor discussions with Eva and Ivy, but none that say "You have another mommy in China". I've been reading some stories to the girls that try to get their minds going in that direction, but I know that day is coming. My girls are not in school, so I don't have the same issues as you do on a day to day basis. I pray that you find the right way to handle it for your family.
ReplyDeleteWe started by praying each night for Gabe's China family...then, his China mommy & daddy...then we started telling him his 'birth story' ("One day in China Gabe was born to his China mom and waited for his mommy and daddy. One day we got on a biiig plane... etc)The other day I told him that he had 2 moms. I just want his identity to always be. (Not sure he even got it yet)
ReplyDeleteIt is hard, but I think you are going to want that line of communication to always be open with Ty.
This way works for us as just last night, something came up about when Jay was born, then Jordan asked about something from when she was born...someday Gabe will ask, or want us to share and we can't....But we can share about Gotcha day. I want him to not feel anger toward his birth family (and he still may someday). I am hoping that if his story always just is and not a surprise then it will be easier for him accept. He also has that different look thing, so kids someday may inform him that 'hey, that isn't your mom-you don't look like her'. and I want him to be able to deal with that!
I have a best friend whose daughter says to her friends (I have her in class), I have 3 moms: my birthmom in China, my China foster mom, and my mom mom! She says it with such acceptance, confidance, and love!
Prayers with you Jo as you help Ty through this!
All great ideas, and I really like Amy's way of saying "first parents" rather than birth parents. I think that will make more sense. But at the same time he'll start putting the pieces together on his own. If I start bringing it up now, it will be easier later, and it is just part of Ty's story. Thanks everyone, and any other APs, I'm all ears!
ReplyDeleteWe've always talked opening about our girls' adoptions with them. Sammie knows she had a mommy and daddy in China. She sometimes makes references to them and we have to correct her (for instance, we watched video of her adoption the night and she saw the nanny who brought her to us - she looks like a man in a way, and Sammie said, was that my dad?). We explained it to her and she understood. I too have started lifebooks for Sammie (really need to find the time to get it done). I think even telling the kids their story is important. They like to hear stories about themselves. We are in 1st grade this year so it'll be interesting to see what pops up with "family" school projects.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're being pushed into dealing with this before you are ready. I do think it's a good idea for it to be part of Ty's story before he's old enough for him to figure it out on his own.
ReplyDeleteNow that we are years into this process, I can tell you that it gets easier. The girls' friends don't really care what their family looks like any more, and the fact that they look different than I do is rarely discussed among their friends. Their adoptions are totally not a secret, but as I said in our FB convo last week, most of the girls' friends don't put 2 and 2 together. It just is not an issue any more.
Joelle
I also adopted a little boy with cleft lip and palate from China. He is 4 years old. We brought him home in May 2010. I have had conversations about him being in his birth mommy's tummy and she could not take care of him so he was placed in a Social Welfare Institute and about his foster mommy to help him understand and make sense of what has just happened to him. I felt like I had to bring up his birth mother so he understood from the beginning that his foster mother was separate from a birth mother and I wanted to help define her role for him in relation to us. He seems to understand. I try to keep it basic and take his cues.
ReplyDeleteI also have the book, "Kids Like me in China", by YingYing Fry.
Link below:
http://www.amazon.ca/Kids-Like-China-Ying-Fry/dp/0963847260
He is not ready for all of it yet but the story is a great place to start and give me clues about how to talk to him. He loves the book and enjoys seeing other have had similar journeys as him. He asks to read it.
Hope it helps!
I agree, Jolene, about bringing it up now before there becomes the "day I found out". If you talk about it now he won't remember it being a "big deal" just being part of his story. I talk about it occaisionally with Levi. He has a couple photo albums that cause it to come up and he wants to look at the albums at least once a day. We also sent a balloon he drew on up into the sky on his birthday to remember his birth parents. He won't remember it, but it is in his album and gives us opportunity to talk about it when necessary.
ReplyDeleteAnd I totally understand also about having to explain things b/4 people ask. Levi still has to wear a bib all the time cause he drools so bad. He is over 2 years old and I feel like I should tell people his whole story, but I refrain. There are some deeper emotions from that then I can into here, but it's very hard. Maybe I'll have to blog about it myself!!!
You are such a great mom, I wish we were closer and could visit!
I would definately recommend starting to talk about it now. We talk alot about being born in my heart and born in your China mommies tummy. and how we got to choose her and how special she is to us etc... We also have books that we read from time to time about adoption that we revisit talking about how our family came to be...
ReplyDeleteI haven't had any conversations with their teachers though and you got me thinking about that one - maybe i should let them know how we talk about the subject in our family and what we'd recommend they say too...
Jolene!
ReplyDeleteI was thinking about you and just re-found your blog! I have been a terrible blog follower lately! I wanted to share something that has been really good for us. There is a beautiful book called "The Motherbridge of Love", the pictures are stunning. It talks about a little girl having two moms, one who gave her life and one who teaches her about life. Ravenna loves it and wants to read it over and over again. To begin with we didn't even use the words just looked at the pictures and talked. It was a really simple and beautiful way to have a platform to start discussions.
Blessings on you!
Shannon