Pregnancy and Adoption: I've done both, and neither were typical. I am writing this out of some frustration about comments I read from people and what people say. Not to me directly--I am so very fortunate. I don't hear the "You signed up for this" or "We told you so". I just don't get those comments. Maybe people keep it to themselves because they know I have a voice and will use it. But some of my friends in the adoption community do get these comments, and sadly, sometimes from fellow adoptive parents.
Let me address the "You signed up for this" and "Be prepared for the worst case scenario" comments regarding special needs adoption. Most of us who adopt sn from China do get some sort of "surprise" diagnosis once home. We know this can happen and we research and prepare for what maybe to come. For Ty, I researched microcephaly (due to head circumference, which is fine praise God!) and syndromes related to cleft lip/palate. I was willing to take these on.
But often medical issues are so blatently obvious, it's frustrating that it wasn't in the referral paperwork. Unforeseen diagnosis I think are the ones we deal with in stride. OK yes, China's medical system isn't what we have here . But to miss things that are so obvious? So some parents say, "You should have been prepared." These comments have an undertone of, you shouldn't be upset, you should have known. You took the chance.
When I was pregnant with Kacie, my water broke at 35 weeks, and Kacie's lungs were not developed. She was transported to a NICU, and my world was shattered. But no one said to me, "Well, when you got pregnant, you should have been prepared for the worst case scenario. You should have known, after all, you signed up for this pregnancy." No one said that! Everyone was empathetic and supportive.
So why is that that when we adopt a child with special needs, there is this attitude of "You should have know there'd be more..." When this is not the attitude when something veers off the path of a regular pregnancy and childbirth?
I'm not even sure how to wrap this up...maybe just to remind people to have some sensitivity.
Just my thoughts today.
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Jolene, I am feeling it already and we don't even have Gavin home yet. We have some family members who are upset that we would even consider talking about Gavin when we see them only they didn't have a problem when I talked about the baby coming when I was pregnant. I feel like I am bracing myself already to protect my son from the extended family. And we haven't even gotten to the SN yet. So thanks for your thoughts, It's nice to know there is a community who understands.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with your lovely son! We have 2 children with special needs from China (cleft-lip) and one from South korea, all are wery lovely and healthy children. If I where younger, I would gladely adopt one more time!
ReplyDeleteGreetings from Sweden