Today we were talking about a family who is now having child #3, and they barely take care of child #1 and #2. Those stories used to make me very angry and bitter. "Why not me God?" I'd say. "
And now I know.
It was during this conversation that I realized, I'm so over it. I can be over it because of Tyson. This was what God wanted us to do. I don't have to ask God "Why" anymore, because now, I know.
This is not to say that this has been an easy road. In fact, next to the first 2-3 weeks home from China, this week has been the hardest. Ty is testing my boundaries, my patience, and anything else that can be tested. His favorite word is "NO!" because he can say it quickly, crisply, an it carries meaning and power. Hitting returned this week too. I come home so happy to see him, only to be frustrated beyond words after being in the door for 5 minutes. But, we've discussed things we can do differently, and we will try those new things out next week.
But through it all, God gave me a gift bigger than anything I ever wanted. I wanted a to be pregnant, but secretly, I wanted to adopt even more. I have since I was 19 years old. God granted me that of which I asked of him, but wow, it hurt. I didn't want it that way. I don't like to be told I can't do something. Yet there I was being told, "You can't get pregnant." Huh? Even Kacie says, "Mom, you always get what you want." That's true, I do. But even as I waited for Tyson, I was bitter and hurt that I couldn't get pregnant. Even though I was happy to be adopting, I was angry that others could do what I couldn't.
And now? Praise God that he put me on that road because I can now say, "I'm over it!". And I'm so glad!
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Wow! When I read this, I could really, really relate. When we were waiting for Maia, I questioned God so many times. It was so hard for me to accept that I was only ever going to be pregnant one time. The pain was nearly unbearable at times. But now that Maia's home, it's gone. Those feelings are, for the first time in my whole marriage, gone. I feel whole. And it's just an amazing thing, isn't it? I can't believe I'm over it!!
ReplyDeleteAs for your little guy testing boundaries, our Maia really started testing us about 6 months into our time home. She definately needs a lot more structure and reinforcement than I sometimes I have the patience for! But I know God gave her to me to refine me, too, and He knew that I was the Mommy she was supposed to have. Before her, I really thought I was a patient person!