Keeping it real: I'm afraid of tiny babies

I do great with babies 6 months and older. Sometimes I can even hold a 4 month old. But if you have a baby, and I see it, I will enjoy from a distance. Now if you are a family member or close friend, yes, of course I will hold your baby. But everyone else, I'm sorry, but I'm not going to stand in line for a glimpse, and forget about holding--not happening.

Why am I this way? You'd never guess it. I love children, I love people, and I have a huge heart. I wasn't always this way...many of my friends had babies and I always to see them and hold them.

I think this is why. Behind this half-fake smile is one very scared young mommy.


Kacie was born at 35 weeks, a whopping 6lbs 9oz; but her insides were very preemie. Lungs were not open = RDS: Respirtory Distress Syndrome; stopped breathing twice; Possible Sepsis, Jaundice, not maintaining body temp, unable to feed. IVs in her head, hands, feet. Wires and tubes going everywhere--not the welcome I had expected my daughter to have as she entered the world. My water broke unexpectedly, and I asked over and over, "What did I do to this sweet baby?" The answer, of course, is nothing.

And then after trying to conceive for a year to have a second child, we learned it was probably not going to happen. I was upset, of course, but mainly because I don't like being told what I can and can't do. But when I found out we'd be adopting a toddler, inside I was jumping for joy. I wouldn't have to do "the baby thing". Of course I wish we could keep Ty little, and of course I wish we had Ty since birth birth.

So about 8.5 years later, I had this experience: Ty's palate surgery. This is just after surgery in our room. The surgeon had already cut the thread from his tongue to his cheek because Ty was doing so well.


Was I nervous going into this palate surgery? What mom wouldn't be. But if I had to compare the two situations, the latter was not even close to the event of my daughter's birth. It's one thing to be worried about your child's surgery: what if doesn't take, what if there's complications, and of course there is always the possibility of death. I am not trying to downplay that. But in for my experience, I can say almost losing a baby is much scarier than a palate surgery.

And so I started thinking, maybe that's why I'm afraid of babies. My experience was atypical, and it did take me about 4 months to really connect and attach to Kacie. But what is so amazing is how God uses one experience to ready you for another.

When Ty woke up from his recovery, he screamed for me. They told me I would not be able to go back, but somehow I know they'd be calling me. Mom's intuition played out to be true. When I went to recovery, all of my daughter's hospital experiences came back to me. I could read the monitors. I recognized the buzzers and beeps and quickly learned which ones were important and which ones weren't. I fell quickly into hospital mode, and I knew what to ask the nurses and when.

God prepared me for this moment. After God saved my baby girl, I had a new trust and faith in Him like never before. And then after our waiting and waiting for Tyson, God stretched my faith even more. I still look back on that and think WOW...God knew that I could get through my daughter's prematurity so that I could handle the surgeries to come with our son.

Now look at them: Here's my preemie baby girl, almost 10 years later.


And here's Ty, hair spiked and ready for school, posing for the camera.


I think it's quite obvious where my fear of babies comes from, which really isn't a fear at all. Tiny babies take me back to one of the hardest times of my life, which is why when they are bigger, I can hold them. And maybe someday I'll get over my "fear" of babies. But until then, I'll just enjoy the kids God gave me!