Attachment--the difference a year can make!

Before I get into a serious topic, here's a cute picture of Ty as we went for a walk in the rain the other day. We were having "cabin fever", so this was a great outing!



I remember right before 2010 ended being truly afraid Ty had RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder). I remember writing long emails to adoptive families, trying to find answers, going as far as finding attachment therapists, but never actually making that call. I just didn't see him as having RAD because there were too many positive things about his attachment. I knew there was light! But if I didn't act now, that light might be gone.

Then I found a term--anxious attachment--which seemed to fit Tyson perfectly, and I should have known this from my early childhood education days (but doesn't it seem like all your education goes out the window when it comes to your own kids? Or maybe it's just me...) He certainly showed signs of high anxiety--crying every time I left him at daycare, wanting to know if I'd ever come back, and at home he clung to me like velcro. I saw this description: Anxious/Ambivalent Attachment Style: Worry that others will not reciprocate intimacy. Caused by inconsistent experiences.

Yep, that was my boy. He had been home 1.5 years, but that wasn't long enough to ease the fears of his first 2 years of life. I can't imagine all those nights of crying and no one comes to help, hungry and no one feeds you, lonely and no one loves on you. I can't bare to think about my boy that way.

So in 2011, I vowed that attachment would be my #1 priority, and it was amazing how fast we saw results! I had lost the bedtime rocking and singing part, so I brought it back...he actually reverted back to being a baby. It was text-book--just like you'd read in all the adoption and attachment books. I took him back to being a baby again. The funny thing was I thought I was doing that all along, but not intentionally enough.

Another strategy was plenty of affection and holding time in the mornings when he woke up, and just before leaving him at daycare. We started a new daycare in Sept. 2010, so it was as struggle for quite awhile. About 1.5 months after starting this new strategy, the tears stopped at daycare! We got a strict goodbye routine going as well, and we still do it, and it's been almost a year, but it works!

All went well for quite awhile...then appendix surgery in May came along, and surprisingly, it went well. I think he was glad to be out of pain. But in August, angry Tyson came back, and what great timing...a hernia surgery on September 2nd. I had hoped that this would be the thing to bring that attachment back--nope, the opposite. This time he wasn't in pain, so he didn't understand why he needed the surgery. He was angry at me and at the world. One thing to know is that we had been doing a lot of camping and traveling, and even though we were in our own trailer, I think it was too different for him. So next summer I'll be sure to remember that even though we don't have a rocking chair at night, I can still sing familiar songs and try to recreate that routine.

So I pressed on. School started again, we got back in a new routine, and in about a month's time, he progressed in his attachment to a more healthy style. And I'm glad to say it continues today, but it doesn't mean I let my guard down!

Today I can say that we are going into 2012 with a stronger attachment, and new concerns that maybe someday I'll feel confident about posting. But for now, Ty seems to be doing fabulous. I think his speech is getting clearer, he loves school and daycare, and he is showing more affection to us than ever. Just this morning he said, "Mommy, we need snuggle time." And of course, I jumped at that!

People still try to tell me what "great thing" we did for this little boy. They have no idea...he is the one who has done a great thing for us and has taught me more about understanding children than I ever could imagine. He has made me a better teacher and a better human being.

I know not every child can work through their attachment issues and the issues can be deep, like RAD. But if you are working through attachment issues yourself with your child, please don't give up! Let this be your year to get to know your child in new ways, try new strategies, and see the difference a year can make!

Happy New Year! From Tyson and all of us!