Piano Recital: A Tale of Two Siblings

My daughter, now age 11, is in her third year of piano recitals. Before that we did 3 years of dance lessons from age 4-6. We are not new to this, and I've done this routine many times. K is a sporty girl and doesn't like to dress up. And to give you some background, Kacie was a relatively easy child at one end of the spectrum, but she definitely had her strong-willed and stubborn moments too. I say that so that people will understand I've been around the parenting block. More often than not, people (kindly and out of the goodness of their hearts) offer me parenting advice about how to manage Tyson's behaviors, and I just want to scream "I'm not new!"

So back to the recital. Kacie had to wear an "itchy" shirt, dressy pants, and girly shoes that will probably never be worn again. But she did it. She didn't like it, but she did it, as she always has. She's never been one for dressing up, and she'll grumble, but it gets done. Even in the years of dance recitals, she got excited over the costumes and had no problem changing in and out of them, even when they were "itchy" (that she will never grow out of!) So after all this, we go to the piano recital, she plays, she bows, and and we go eat cookies and it's over.

BUT THIS YEAR...OH THIS YEAR...

Meet Tyson, age 5. The boy who has decided shirts fall into two categories: Real and Normal. I kid you not, I can't make this up. He has decided that shirts that have anything silk-screened are "real", and he doesn't like them. Shirts without silk screen are "normal", and he loves them. This eliminates half the shirts in his closet, and I wish I had this knowledge before I went school clothes shopping! And this is also the boy who has worn the same Halloween costume for three years in a row. He hates change! And I realize lots of kids don't like change, I get that...

So just as Kacie had a spectrum of relatively easy all the way to stubborn or strong willed, Tyson also has a spectrum, and his STARTS at stubborn and strong willed. Oh, I'm not joking...if it's just a strong willed day, it's a good day. I can handle strong-willed. But one good thing is that often what he says and what he does are two different things. So here is how we got dressed for the recital:

Me: "OK Tyson, here's your new shirt, let's put it over your head."

Oh, we should just stop right there. Notice the word 'new'. From Day One of adopting Tyson, he has hated new clothes and new shoes. I knew this would be a battle, so I showed him the clothes at the store, and reassured him that the shirt was "normal". I tried to get him in a tie, but he wasn't having it, so I didn't push. OK, we continue...

Tyson: "No, I hate this shirt!" (and shirt goes over the head as he continues to yell).
Me: "OK Tyson, now we put one arm in."
Tyson: "My brain says no. My brain hates this shirt!"
Me: "Ok, one more arm."
Tyson: "I HATE this. I don't love it!" (we get that one a lot, LOL)

And...the shirt is on. He fought every step of the way, but it's on. Now on to the pants, which are a bit too big.

Tyson: "I can't wear these, they are too big!" So he pouts. And with each pant leg more of the same comments as when I put the shirt on him. I fix the pants (Thank God for those elastic things with buttons) and he pouts some more, complains more...but pants are on.

And now...the shoes. OMGosh...these are dress shoes, not his Nikes. Another fit. But I put one on, and after more "I hate these shoes" and "I'm not wearing these shoes", guess what, I have both of them on him.

Success...and we aren't even out the door yet. And that's when I realized I had to write this post.

Maybe there is absolutely no diagnosis needed for Tyson. Maybe he is just stubborn and strong-willed, on a good day. But there are many times he has these quirky behaviors, and I play the "what if" game. Aspergers? Attachment disorder? OCD? ODD? ADHD? Maybe a combo of all of it? Or none of it, who the heck knows...

This I know. I have two children who played in a piano recital. For one child, the success was playing her piece memorized. Whoo Hoo! For the other, it was getting dressed, then actually getting up in front of a group. And was he proud of himself? I don't think I've ever seen him smile so big when he was done! It wasn't about the piece of music. It was about the journey. Most parents will never know what it took for him to get to a place where he could get up in front of a group. But most people also have no idea what I had to go through just to get him in the clothes to get to the recital. And then when he was done playing, keeping him quiet was...impossible. I finally told him he wasn't going to get a cookie, and then the fixation issues hit. Non-stop, I heard, "I want a cookie, will I get a cookie?" So you say then why didn't I remove him? Well, I still had a daughter, who was doing all the right things, waiting to play her piece. I couldn't leave, and I was alone because my husband had to work. I am like a single mom 50% of the time, and it's not exactly a walk in the park.

So when it was over, we had cookies, and finally, I breathed a sigh of relief. He got dressed. He went to church. He got up and played in front of people. We got through the recital, and it's over.

Here they are, and even if they don't have much in common, one thing they do have in common is that they are both pretty darned amazing kids!

Then we went to see Santa at the local Fire Station. Tyson is very concerned that he is not on the nice list. He became totally star-struck with Santa, planting the "Mommy I love you," line on me as soon as he saw Santa because he knew he was about to be beaten at his own game! Santa reminded him to listen to his parents. I LOVE SANTA! (and notice, Ty still will not sit on Santa's lap. Never has...)

I still wouldn't trade him for the world. He's hilarious, snuggly, and making strides and growth all the time. He knows almost all of his capital letters and many lower case, which may not sound like much, but we have worked SO HARD on these! He's also counting more and more...skipping 13 still, but he'll get it. We've been counting the numbers on a calendar, which is helping solidify those numbers 1-30 for sure. He loves to sing, he loves school, and he loves church.

Even with all the challenges, we know we are blessed. I just sometimes wish people would recognize that parenting a child with strong behaviors is exhausting. I wish people could see what I do at home so they'd not look down on me (and Tyson) in public when he has odd behaviors. We do work hard to extinguish negative behaviors, but it seems like when we extinguish one, another one pops up. Will it end? I don't know. All I know, 100%, is that God has a plan. I'm just His vessel. We've been chosen to be a family, and I will not give up.

Even if I have to hear, "I hate this shirt, it's real and I want a normal shirt!" for the next year, (Oh believe me, I stocked up on plain striped shirts on Black Friday...we should be set now.) and I want to pull my hair out and cry, we will be OK.